Hackers... i.e. electronic vandals... making life difficult for a friend. There are some of us who find satisfaction in creating and there are some who find enjoyment in destruction... I still don't understand the concept of vandalism.

The new A&S Championship that has been announced... I understand the Crown's desire to support the arts and sciences, but why not promote the Golden Poppy Competition, the A&S Championship at the annual A&S Tournament, or better still, just set the precedent to promote the A&S competition that was scheduled for the event. I understand that this was conceived as a Kingdom A&S Champion not unlike the Kingdom Rapier or Archery Champion and to be clear, any support for the arts and sciences from the Crown or Coronet is a good thing; however, why not support what is already in place?

I read a post on an email list where one person complains about another person. OK, why not just tell the person in a person-to-person conversation as opposed to snitching them off on a list.

OK, there was this book that I wanted... out of print... couldn't get it through Amazon.com. I guess I'm out of luck. OK, so I look at AmazonUK.com and sure enough I find it. It was a little expensive, but I purchased it... only to find out that the seller is located right here in the USA. Weird.

OK... no more books for me.

OK, I ended up spending a large chunk of money on myself at Amazon.com. My credit card is sore and is being put on restriction/bed rest.

1. It is actually nice not to camp on the "eric" all the time and it is always fun to camp with Eric.

2. The short-sleeved waffenrock felt great... nothing like losing a little weight. It was the first time I felt comfortable in it as it was tight, but It was perfect for Saturday evening. Must do another... maybe a cap-sleeved... however, I've only seen those at Ren Faires and SCA events.

3. Enjoyed hanging out with my protege. OK, I felt like a task master on Friday night and I apologized to Alvar, Eric, Vlad and Cat... but the Dad gene took over and everything was put up that evening. I think I settled off to sleep sometime after two. By the way, while I'm keeping off the 27 pounds, I'm going to need to lose at least the other 24 pounds to even try to keep up with Eric. Eric is down to my pre-law school weight. He is about 12 years my junior; however, I'm amazed by the amount of energy he has at his disposal since losing a ton of weight.

4. On the jewelry front, Bella-Cat refused to allow me to buy her a beautiful pendant; however, I did get to purchase her a very nice pel pendant from Morgan. Speaking of jewelry, Eric made Bella-Cat a wonderful Viking necklace... beautiful glass beads and a huge green amber pendant. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT THIS MAN DOES NOT HAVE HIS ROSE LEAF??? He has made coronets for Bella Cat and Eliska and he has worked on others. If he wasn't so busy with projects, I'd commission a sterling silver coronet from him.

5. The old/new pavilion went up just fine. I need to trim the center pole by six inches, but everything went up like a dream. I love Eric's wagon wheel pavilion, but the idea of having a pavilion held up by a single pole (no wagon wheel and no perimeter poles) is something else. It's hard to go back to mundane tents, but there will be some occasions when that will suit us best.

6. Lunch was wonderful on Saturday... we had a number of guests!!! Eliska really did a great job throwing together our lunch spread... my sister is so organized!!! Unhappily, I really missed my sister Stefana!!! Conor, Isa and kids were not there and were likewise missed!!! Good to see Fabe and Xander... X-man is getting to be such a little man. I missed Daniel and his "mommy," but it was good to hang out with Alvar. It was so cool having Heinrich and Else over for lunch and chatting with them about relatively nothing... how often does that happen when we get to just lay back and relax!!!

7. If you think the running dialogue between Roosebeke and I is bad, raw and blue, just listen to the comments that fly between Vlad and Kiffany... my ears suffered second degree burns... ouch, you guys kill me.

8. Very proud of Vlad being named to guard and yes, it was the first time that I gave my permission as his peer. I keep setting things before him and he keeps accepting the challenge. Also very proud of Bella-Cat... Queen's Artisan... very nice. Well, she's Bard of Cynagua, a Queens Artisan... and we are hosting two period bardics... the first on the Saturday evening of Cynagua-Mist War and the Saturday evening of Cynagua Coronet.

9. Stephen, my soon-to-be squire brother, gave me his red belt to hold until I am actually formally taken as a squire by my/our knight. I am looking forward to Stephen's vigil and stepping up.

10. Lounging in camp good... very little court and no formal duties except swearing fealty. Even the packing-up/get-away was fun. The drive home was... full of thoughtful conversation and musings. One cannot leave such a weekend behind without being filled with gratitude; I am so lucky to have so many friends. The one truly sad moment was when I was chatting with Jehanne... at one point in the "comedy" of the moment, she said that "you know, Gaius would be laughing right now." I miss him so much; however, I must confess that I sometimes forget that he is gone and that I wonder where he is... and then I remember. I sometimes wonder if you're not there "in spirit" now and then. I miss you and while I am sad that you are gone, I am also so happy that we had a chance to be friends. Last night I had a dream about him... we were both twelve-years-old in this dream and we were enjoying an arcade, having fun with games and rides (something between Circus-Circus and Chuckie-Cheese). I looked over at him and told him that it's a shame thAt we aren't really kids; Gaius responded, "don't worry, we're still kids."

She was born Carolina Anna Giordano... and she was a woman of many talents and passions... musician, teacher, daughter, sister, wife and mother. She was the embodiment of Penelope and Calpurnia as a wife and the embodiment of St. Monica and St. Mary as a mother. She had a fiery temper and an overwhelming desire to make amends and forgive without hesitation. She was strong willed and melancholy; she was gentle and loving. Beautiful... a striking smile... and strong eyes that were warm and loving... and yet a sad song or story would fill her eyes with tears at the drop of a hat. She is and always will be my mother and I will always love her as I was her only child... and my memory of her will not be lost like tears in the rain.

As I was driving home from the coast on Saturday night, I saw the most beautiful falling star. It seemed to be right in front of me and I saw it from it's incendiary inception to it's end that is darkness. It was brighter than any I had seen in all my years and it flickered with greens and reds and blues and it was glorious. I tracked the parabolic curve of it's path until it fell from sight before me. I wondered how it was that a falling star could be seen so well between the Bay Area and Sacramento (i.e. between two areas that had so much light pollution) and yet it was as if this light-show was set directly before me to witness. Depending upon the culture, a falling star was either a bad omen or a good omen... a beginning or an end. Stardust...

The course of true love does not run smooth... and yet, I would follow this star as best I can... and I would protect my star from all who would harm her... I would provide my star with every earthly pleasure and she would reside in peace and security in my embrace... for she is my heart... she is the autumn sky, with a touch of wood-smoke in the chilled air, shadows and falling leaves... she is my love... and while she may not know she is my star, I will help her know this all the days of our life, until we are but shadows on a windy Autumn night... but even then, we will be together.

2 more pounds in the last two days... now for the weekend and trying to remain active. I have only 24 pounds to go by October Crown to reach my first goal, i.e. 51 pounds total to get to my pre-injury/September 30, 2006 weight. After that, lose 80 pounds over the next year and a half (by my 50th birthday) to get to my pre-law school weight.

25 pounds to be exact... from the beginning of June. That being said, I'm seriously disappointed that I haven't lost more. I've been dealing with nausea for the past week and I'm not eating well.

I really need to exercise regularly... aerobic and weights. Must just BEGIN and let everything flow from the first step. See, I do listen and I do remember. ;~)

With the puppy taking up the morning, I just don't have time to deal with a breakfast shake. I need to force myself to put 8 oz of water, a bit of frozen banana and a packet of chocolate flavored protein power in the blender and in less than 90 seconds, I would have sufficient fuel. Instead, I'm dealing with my stomach burning in the morning and nausea throughout the day. In an attempt to fuel-up, I'm eating eight cashew nuts (protein to protect muscle and fat to protect my brain, skin and "shiny coat" aka my hair. There's something about pasta, rice, bread and potatoes that makes my stomach feel comforted. Without my starches, I think my stomach is going through a bit of a shock. As such, the only thing that I have a taste for is salty stuff... like cashews or pistachios. Peanuts are not really nuts... and they upset my stomach for whatever reason.

Well, I'm gearing up for Gemini's tonight. My back is a bit tweaked, but I'll be OK. I hear Conor will be there and I'd like to catch up with him as we haven't talked since June Crown. I'm going to hit-him-up for some individual instruction.

Shield foo... I'm still perplexed about my shield. I've gone back to the big shield as I'm getting hit in a delicate place a little too often.

Well, it's set... I'm going to travel to GWW as Roosebeke and Eliska are going. I just received a memo regarding my vacation balance. In an attempt to make sure I do not violate the "no-more-than 400 hours of vacation" rule, I'm going to ask for a few Fridays off in October.

SCA events in October:
3-5 Crown
10-13 GWW
17-19 Mist Coronet
25 Collegium
31-2 Cynagua Coronet

Looking at the calendar, it is a clean sweep for the SCA when it comes to weekends.

I have been going through a difficult stretch of life at present and yet, upon reading a friend's post from last night, I felt empathy for my friend. When my friend wrote that they are in "agony" over their situation, I was struck by the fact that we are all so terribly human and that our sense of humanity should lead us to treat each other as we would be treated ourselves.

Trust me, there is no greater fan of truth, knowledge and justice in this world; however, I feel humbled when I come to realize that charity, compassion and mercy are of equal importance. How great and worthy are those intellectual virtues: truth, knowledge and justice. These virtues separate us from the other creature of this world. They are jewels in the crown of our civilization. Are not the virtues of the heart as worthy and great: charity, compassion and mercy. These virtues also separate us from the other creatures of this world. They are likewise jewels in the crown of our civilization.

In the midst of my own grief, perhaps I lost perspective; perhaps I lost sight of the fact that every one else is dealing with their own problems. Prayers and best wishes to all of you who are suffering through trials and tribulations. If I would seek charity, compassion and mercy, I should be willing to extend it liberally. Perhaps someday I will live this lesson completely and perfectly. Until that time, may I live so long that I might acquire proficiency in the virtues of the heart.

I would leave you with one of my favorite quotes from the "Merchant of Venice" as prayer of sorts... as Shylock underscores the fact that every human being has feelings and needs ("Prick us, do we not bleed? Tickle us, do we not laugh?), it is Portia who exalts the virtue of mercy. Perhaps as I grow older, I have seen that Justice is best served when seasoned by mercy. Pax.

"The quality of mercy is not strain'd,
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath: it is twice blest;
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes:
'Tis mightiest in the mightiest: it becomes
The throned monarch better than his crown;
His sceptre shows the force of temporal power,
The attribute to awe and majesty,
Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings;
But mercy is above this sceptred sway;
It is enthroned in the hearts of kings,
It is an attribute to God himself;
And earthly power doth then show likest God's
When mercy seasons justice."

-- William Shakespeare

A very wise friend passed on a quote from Goethe:

"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius,
power and magic in it."

I am going to to heal my spirit by working on my body first. I'm losing weight... I went down a dress shirt size, my belt hole has come down another notch, and the shirt I'm wearing today was tight at the beginning of the summer. I'm going back to Gemini's studio on Tuesday and Thursdays starting tonight. I'm going to return to Wednesday fighter practice here in Sacramento after Purg and I'll be attending Nytshaed's rapier practice in East Sacramento starting this Friday. I have a set of "olympic" weights at home... I also need to move the bow-flex that is broken and languishing in the laundry room... and I have a membership to the gym that I need to start using.

I'm going back to the larger shield again and I might go to a kidney belt; however, I'm going to construct my corazina in time for Cynagua-Mist War. The most important thing is hitting the pell every day. There may come a time when I want to fight for a consort again, but that is irrelevant until I feel like a fighter again. Remember... "it's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me."

I grieve, I mourn, I grow dark. As one clings to a raft to save oneself from drowning, I cling to that which has been with me since my earliest lessons as a child in my mother's lap. As a child, I was struck by my mother and father's devotion to the faith and especially the place of the Blessed Virgin Mary in their prayers. After I lost my mother in August of 1993, this holy and maternal saint and mother of the historic Jesus of Nazareth became an even greater part of my spiritual life. After all, she is the iconic persona of "mother" to me. Who should I turn to in this time of distress, when everything seems to be slipping through my fingers. I am not made of stone and I ache. She endured unimaginable suffering as she saw her only son tortured to death on the cross. She is marked not only by her faith, hope and charity... she is a model of courage. In the Middle Ages, Mary enjoyed considerable devotion within Christendom until the time of the reformation in Europe. Jumping centuries, I will enjoy my fourth tattoo, i.e. the Immaculate Heart of Mary, on the cap of my left shoulder in about a half hour.

Addendum: Looking at it this morning, the tattoo looks great without the exterior shading. I'm well pleased.

Well, here's to the company. I enjoyed hanging out with a couple of friends and I also did a bit of seneschal business. My Castiglione class was OK and yet, I really didn't feel like going hard core as everyone was so laid-back. The feast was excellent and I told two of my stories... King Solomon's Ring and The Great Rafanelli. I must read the Decameron for more stories.

I wore an old set of black wool Italians... started to heat up during the one rapier class and definitely a little too hot when I started eating dinner... the wine may have added to the heat, but the site got warm suddenly. I was going to wear a "new" short sleeved waffenrock, but I decided against it as it was an Italian themed event. Maybe I'll wear the new waffenrock to on the Saturday evening of Cynagua-Mist War.

I was asked to teach something Italian at today's event in Fettburg.... hmmm, Spring Collegium (The Foundations of Renaissance Philosophy), Cynagua Coronet (Fin amors: the cult of Courtly Love), A&S (Il Cortegiano: Castiglione's Courtier)... and now a repeat... Castiglione in Fettburg.

Still working on a couple of ideas for Fall Collegium subject to Maestra Donata... and per La Maestra, I will be saving the Humanist Authors class for the Spring.

It's been over a year since teaching The Evolution of Chivalric Virtue and it's been over two years since teaching the Period Political Sciences course... and I don't know that I will ever team teach the class dealing with the period training of a young lady ever again. Who knows, all things are possible under Heaven.

I truly enjoyed my three day trip to the Ashland Shakespeare Festival with my daughter... we had a great time talking, laughing, shopping, eating, seeing plays and discussing their merits and lack thereof.

We saw the following:

"Midsummer Night's Dream" (indoor theatre)... very artistic, "Athens" like the late 20th Century (New York/New Jersey) with Duke Theseus sounding like he's a capo in the "Sopranos" and the "fairies" were fishnet-clad drag-queens. Not a bad production but not great and the daughter enjoyed it.

"Othello" (outdoor Elizabethan theatre)... very classical production, excellent acting... who says you need a gimmick to produce a memorable performance. While this is not my favorite play for a number of reasons, it did satisfy that intellectual nerve. Two epiphanies... the first being, that obsession is not love... it is equal measures of love-fear-hate... a lesson I know well and a lesson that all lovers must sometime learn or drive themselves completely batty... the second being... why do I love "tragedies?" What is a tragedy? It is a drama where we know that everything is going to end poorly, we are unable to stop the train wreck and we continue watching the destruction to the very end. Why am I willing to watch the tragedy when I know it will come to no good? A Greek Tragedy or a Shakespearean tragedy is the precursor to psychology; in understanding the epic tragedy with its archetypes, we seek insights into the tragedies of our own life. As we work out our issues in dreams while we are asleep, we work our our tragedies through the tragic depiction of the characters as they march head-long into destruction. This is my theory... yours might differ... and my daughter and I spoke many hours on the topic. Did I mention that my girl is 14 years old. Oh, what a joy it is to have a daughter who is willing to discuss these topics without pretense or detached intellectualism. I saw this play for the first time through my daughters eyes and in our discourse, I came to realize why I hate the play and love the play... all at the same time.

Arthur Miller's "A view from the Bridge" (indoor theatre)... the finest non-Shakespearean play we saw on this trip... very much more interesting than "Death of a Salesman" with all of the brilliant tragedy... a play about Italian immigrants on the Brooklyn shore... not what I expected... a Greek tragedy in 1950s New York. Stunning and riveting... we both saw this for the first time and really enjoyed it.

Thornton Wilder's "Our Town" (outdoor theatre)... well done production, very uninspired script... hated it in high school, appreciated it a little more as an adult... nevertheless, these people are not my people. It does not translate well to this modern age... and yet, to think that people lived like this back then... when there was life, love and death... well, as there will always be life, love and death, maybe the story isn't that detached.

"The Clay Cart" (indoor theatre) is a 2,000 year old Indian play brought to life in a cheesy 21st Century American delivery system... campiness abounds... almost expected Apu to be selling a Slurpee at the Quickie-Mart. Ah, Mr. Simpson, the time to prove your cross-cultural theatrical insights have long since past. Good guys, bad guys and love... masquerading as Balli-wood for the stage. Check please.

"Comedy of Errors" (outdoor theatre)... aka THE WORST... OK, I heard they were going to produce this play as a Western; however, I had no idea that they were going to change the script and make it a musical. The production sucketh a great and less-than glorious way. It will always rank up there with "Lear" done in the Wild West, the Yasser Arafat PLO version of "Julius Caesar" and 1990s version of "The Taming of the Shew" complete with Rappers and a Skinhead.

A wonderful vacation filled with wonderful conversation, food and shopping... what theatre-going dad could ask for more.

The Almighty decided that since I was having a tough night, he'd throw one more pitch at me. This one was a fastball down the middle of the plate. At about 1:10 a.m., I picked up my oldest son from his mother's house... gave him a stern talk and a punishment (two hours of weeding and an early wake-up call. The kid's a good kid... just being stupid... and his mother wasn't in the mood to wake up and be mom. Instead, my daughter called me and asked me to step in to be the peace keeper.

Like I said... the only job I'm halfway good at... fast ball down the middle. Out of the park.

The officer with the warrant just called... the warrant will be emailed to me by 1:30 a.m. and maybe I'll be asleep by 2:00 a.m. OK, maybe that's the other thing I'm halfway good at... being a prosecuting attorney.

As for being a human being, a friend and a lover... I think I suck.

There are times I actually hate my job... this is one of them. I received a call around ten from a deputy district attorney asking me to field this call by law enforcement. Seemed simple enough... she obviously didn't want to be bothered by it... too busy working on her trial... right... on Friday night. So, I talk to the officer within 30 minutes and told him to set things up and to email me the warrant (and call me when it is emailed). OK, two hours later... nothing. I need to go to bed.

There are so many things that evoke a memory by way of a scent, a sound, a song, a scene from a movie or a piece of clothing. My suv has my saddle in the back and it smells richly of leather; it makes me think of a happier time. So many songs are ruined because of her... and it's funny, but I don't think I can tie my tie without thinking of her... how marvelous it was to appear to have such mastery over something so insignificant and still be the subject of praise... to always pull out the right tie for the suit I was wearing and then tie the tie effortlessly around my neck... and how she marveled at this simple act. How the Haunted Mansion is gone for me and how certain movies are an homage to our past together. The smell of fresh bread from the oven... it is my grandmother's kitchen in the "basement" of her old home... longtime gone... or the smell of figs... ah, the fig tree in her backyard. The sound of cello music coming from the music room... mom... or the smell of her cookies as I would come home from school... especially the gingersnaps and chocolate chip cookies. I see my mother's smile on my daughter's mouth and my uncle's knowing confidence in my youngest son's eyes. The smell of "Giorgio" (yes, there's a scent from the past) transports me back to the 80s and the two women that beguiled me... and how both relationships were doomed to failure. Giorgio is one thing, but then there's that sandalwood and patchouli mix... it kills me. Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!

OK, per the advice nurse, it sounds like a virus and not a bacteria, so it should run its course in 72 hours with all effects done within the week. I weighed in... no additional weight loss. Still, according to my notes, I've lost 20 pounds since last December, ten of which were lost in the past month and five of which were lost since Sunday. On September 29, 2006, I was 31 pounds lighter; since my surgery, I was 20 pounds lighter. In short, I have 31 pounds to lose! Lose another 40, I would be down to my pre-marriage weight, lose another 20, I'd be down to where I was when I started in the DA's office in February of 1986 and lose another 20 and I'd be down to my pre-law school weight which is my goal. Don't know whether I am going to try the lap band surgery or if I'd try the liquid protein diet... I need something to get healthy... and from there, I will work towards my final goal.

...is losing five pounds over two days. 31 pounds to go to get back to my weight at October Crown 2006 when I got injured, i.e. the last time I fought before surgery. Seriously ill and not at work yesterday or today... and not wanting to pull a TMI by giving details. Just know, it's really bad. I slept 14-15 hours yesterday and I still feel tired and weak.

Derk-ster

2000-2008

"Horse, thou art truly a creature without equal, for thou fliest without wings and conquerest without a sword."



Today, it will be done. Derk will give up his spirit to the universe, his body will be rejoined with the earth and I will be diminished as I have lost him. I have dreamed a dream, but now that dream is gone from me.

I don't know what time Derk will be put down, but it will be sometime today and I have been told that it would not be a good thing for me to be there. In my mind, I am haunted by a vision... in my mind I see him slip over to the other side. Torment of torments, I see him dying in my minds eye and I cannot stop my left hand from shaking.

Last night, I said goodbye. I gave him a large "bucket." Derk always loved his bucket after our ride. I know he didn't understand a word I spoke to him, but I told him how much I will miss him, how I love him and how beautiful he is... and how the time had come to say goodbye.

I prayed over him, blessed him and asked St. Francis to take care of him. I know that according to my Faith only human beings have souls; however, I know that all creatures and all creation are holy in that they were crafted by the hand of divine love. I also believe that in terms of my soul, there will always be a connection between myself and my beloved animal partners. Derk will be part of me... even after my heart grows still...for all eternity... for when I am dead, God would not have me suffer eternity without the comfort and companionship of my horse in his "house with many mansions."


Go forward before me to the other side,
You will graze and run in cool green fields,
The breeze will smell of perpetual Spring,
Wait for me there, until we meet again my friend,
You are my horse and I will always be your rider.